Thursday, 20 November 2008

Contrary to Popular Belief, Writing is NOT a Solitary Pursuit

I have so many critics peeping over my shoulder when I write, I am never alone. They line up like birds on a telegraph wire to make their comments, which are always positive, of course.

There is Character Critic: "For goodness sake, he is supposed to be dour as Inspector Rebus with a hangover yet you've written he is delighted to have rescued the victim? He would have found it more amusing to discover the vicitm chopped to pieces and stuffed into Christmas crackers to be distributed at the local orphanage.

The Dialogue Critic: "' Ah dunnae kinn whit ye ur talkin' abit.' Where on earth did you dig that out from, The Sassenach Schoolboy's Book of Scottish Phrases?"

The Adjectival Critic: "In the name of all that is beautiful, exquisite, fragrant and precious, leave it out."

The Adverbial Critic: dittoly

The Semicolon Critic: "Nooooo!"

The Colon Critic: ditto

The Plot Critic: "Stephen Hawking would be most interested in the black holes you have managed to create."

The Structural Critic: "Only Isambard Kingdom Brunel could construct something more complicated. Have you ever considered a career as a scaffolder?"

The Bridging Critic: "Next time employ Nicholas Parsons to create the links. He might be as useless but at least he takes just a minute. Boom! Boom!"

The Humour Critic: "Ha! Ha! Ha! Don't make me laugh."

The Personal Development Critic: "Have you ever considered a career as a scaffolder?"

Ad infinitum: Tweet! Tweet!

It's a wonder I am getting anything written but the book progresses despite the odds. I also now understand where Daphne du Maurier found her inspiration for The Birds.

PS The picture of the birds remind me of my childhood in Malaysia. Every evening birds would line up on the telegraph wires to chatter away though what they had to say I never learnt. At five years old, I could only speak pigeon English, pigeon Malay and pigeon Chinese, so I don't think they were pigeons. Boom! Boom!

PPS The Quit Smoking Campaign is stuttering but will happen. When I have positive news, i.e. one week without a cigarette, I will post.

1 comment:

Jon M said...

Snigger snigger, loved the critics, I'll keep an eye out for them. Don't let them take over though! Send them out to sit on the naughty step every now and then!