Saturday, 9 June 2007

Living with Tarantula

Ha! I discovered my flatmate, the so-called Goth, secretly sunbathing topless on the balcony. Notice that she has covered her face so that when dressed in her trademark floor to ceiling black witch’s weeds none of her cronies will notice her betrayal of the most fundamental of their principles.

I know I’ve been a bit sneaky and doubtlessly would be sacrificed at one of the ritual meetings they hold every evening in the graveyard of St. Nicholas Parish Church if she ever found out. However, I think I am safe, as she doesn’t know I blog.

Her name is Tarantula. Obviously it’s not, it’s Camilla but she only responds to Tarantula.

She has just finished her first year doing art at Brighton University . Her end of year show was impressive in the way she refused to acknowledge that there was any other colour than black. And black, as we all know, is not so much a colour but the absence of colour.

‘That’s just so typical!’ she would retort. ‘You’re so prejudiced! You’re just like my stupid teachers always trying to shove their stupid theories on colour down our throats when it’s so obvious colour is just a social construct. You see black, I see a rainbow. God I hate this place.’

I have moderated her language as Tarantula does tend to season it well with coarsely grated expletives, this despite the fact she is actually very posh and attended Roedean , one of the more exclusive private schools for the education of young ladies.

As you can see she is not without talent, though slightly obsessive in terms of her subject matter.

You can’t imagine the storm of outrage that struck this humble abode when Damien Hirst recently unmasked his latest artwork, For the Love of God.

‘That’s just so typical. The b•••••d has ripped off my ideas. I did my paintings ages ago and he’s gone and copied them cos he hasn’t had a single original thought since he stuffed that stupid shark. I’m going to get Daddy to sue him for plagiarism.’ (This is a heavily censored and curtailed version of the actual tirade.)

I pointed out, very reasonably I thought, that making a platinum cast of a skull and then embedding it with 8,601 diamonds might take a little longer than four weeks – the time that has elapsed since the opening of her show. It was a mistake.

Sometimes I think life would be less complicated if Paris Hilton came to stay.


Stuart and Gabrielle said...

You'll have to wait a while to swap flatmates, old chap, as Paris has been told to go straight (back) to jail, not to pass go and definitely not collect 200 quid (or even dollars).
If your friend is pissed orf with Damien, maybe she should look up good old Kasimir (Malevich, sadly deceased since 1935) noted for such colourful masterpieces as "White square on white" or, perhaps more suitable for her gothic tastes, "Black Square", "Black Cross" and "Black Circle" all three amazingly painted in the same year. My, what a prolific suprematist chap he was.

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Hilarious post. Tarantula belongs in a book.

DOT said...

Keep ya mouth shut Stuart, the girl is suicidal enough about Damien's doings without learning of Kasimir - she has actually executed (pun intented) a picture called Gloss on Matt that I couldn't post here as the fine detail would have been lost.

Thanks Zinnia - what is hilarious is someone visited who had searched Google for Brighton and topless and got this post :)

Stuart and Gabrielle said...

You saddo, David! Addicted to Sitemeter and Google in equal portions, constantly checking out who's looking at your blog and how many a day. You wouldn't catch me doing that sort of thing, well, not more than twice a day. What joy to find we're top if one Googles "permaculture blog" (or blogs, a win double!) And what larfs we have seeing what search terms have bought people to our blog. Chapeau to you for capturing someone Googling "Brighton Topless". Ho ho, how disappointed s/he must have been initally, to be then cheered up by the kwality of wot you rote! Cor blimey mate!